Body Image Struggles and Seeing Myself Through My Mother’s Eyes

Guest Website By: Rachael Delmar
Body Image Battles and Mother
Body Image Battles and Mother – Getting folks to open up and share their experiences, challenges, hopes and aspirations, is merely one of the things that we do at Naturist Portal. But in my own opinion, these personal narratives are incredibly significant. When we discuss our most intimate fears and encounters we not only begin to treat ourselves but we help others also. In this instance, I reached out to Rachael in the hopes that she’d be willing to talk and share with us her own personal battles with body image. As we were reading her post, Felicity asked me why she was willing to show some of her most intimate thoughts and encounters. So we decided to ask her, and here is what she said:
Body Image Challenges and Mom
“I do it because I would like to feel brave, like a survivor. I’d like others to understand that regardless of what, they’re never alone and they have nothing to be ashamed of. It took me years in order to do that. I understand how tough it can be because I had to get for this stage alone.”
FKK isn’t about the “me”, it is about the “us” and “we.” Collectively we can help each other move past those issues that hold us back. The only way we can make an impact is if we all work collectively to educate folks how to be more accepting and compassionate. Together we expect to teach people how to be more tolerant and fundamentally, how to be more human.
Again, sharing private body image battles is hard so let us all show her some support plus some love!
mirror un-friendly you talk conversationally.
mirror mirror they encircle
showing distortions
burning in head
flaming through eyes
the visions cloudy
If someone were watching.
My Mommy When She Was 19
That someone never fails to be me, viewing myself through my mum’s eyes. I dream of the day when I can look at my body through the eyes of others who say I am amazing. I remember the first time I faced my spirit out loud. If anything, my mother did create a warrior.
As I grew, I saw her scream about being fat, starve herself, and berate me for eating too much. She became everything I never wanted to be.
She tortured herself until reached 98 pounds. A weight that made her lose her hair, and created the psychosis she endures from now. I could still hear her vomiting a just touched meal. She is a ghost within my head whispering into my ear every single day. “Don’t heal me. Sickness is my me. My dread was you’d set me free.” – Frederick Seidel
I was too young to comprehend the significance behind her compulsions. My innocence was lost. She looked at me and saw her kid as fat.
This was the start of a life that I never wanted.
My Mom Today
I’ve always vowed never to be like her. It became my blood oath. I do finally understand that some things cannot release their grasp on your own insides.
By the age of 12, I weighed 120 pounds. I used ton’t know the significance of calories. Exercise was a thing we did in school. As a ‘chubby’ child, this was a moment I dreaded every single day. I was surrounded by girls I envied in ways that knew no bounds. I never longed for their expensive clothes or the skill to capture the sons. I just yearned for their bodies.
As the years went by, I grew into a more womanly’ body. Yet, I could never erase her voice in my own head.
By graduation, I was on a mission to become my own girl. I desired, desired, to emancipate from her grasp on my spirit. I was so concerned about this type of meaningless ideal, that I didn’t locate myself on the road to graduating school. After all, this was the one goal she did not instill in me.
So I ran from her and from myself. I trained myself to exude confidence that most times I didn’t feel.
I continued this marathon until the age of 21. I believed when I could metaphorically run, I could kill the sidewalk in addition to my mum’s problems.
I still recall the day I ran 3 miles without stopping; the time I rushed to 9 when my grandfather died.
Endorphins became my drug of choice. My weapon. Yoga became my meditation, the flow was like sex. The gymnasium was my safe haven.
I began modeling both clothed and naked. A visual to actually attempt to see what I looked like, through other’s eyes, not my own or hers. I began taking lessons on nutrition and psychology. I still possess the textbooks. I refer to them as if they’re my bibles when I believe I am on a downward spiral.
Here is where I found my power and control.
I made everything a burn of muscles.
I became obsessed.
..still looking in the mirror, scales my enemy.
Not listening to anyone, in the past year, I ‘ve gotten down to 107 at 5’6″. I do not understand the meaning of overly scraggy. I just understand the things that haunt me.
My battle is a day-to-day hex everyday. Instead of starving myself, I try and try to be healthy. My only lesson will be to try to embrace her and what she made of me. Like the warrior she made of me, I am starting to own my body in the appropriate way.
I know I ‘ll never be free. Yet it is like a continuous fire under my bum. It ignites me to fight and not cease. Most of all to never give up.
I now own my muscles at the proud weight of 120. Back to where I began at age 12. The sarcasm is just not lost on me. 😉

Rachael Delmar – I Am Empowered!
Body Image Challenges and Mother as well as other Nudists and Naturists Blog About Body Image Blogs Young Nudists and Nudist Portal FKK