ominously forewarning me, caught me on the way home from school to steal a

kiss. Indignant and incensed, I told my mother, who called the school. Well, the
school official suspected that I was the one who had been the aggressor,
considering that one incident made me incorrigible. My mother decided to believe
I can’t totally blame my
Mum here, because in kindergarten at a different school I ran a “witch gang”
of girls who grabbed the boys for me to kiss. The teacher, the principal and my
parents believed we were horrid, but it was crying great pleasure at the time.
However, when a worse position appeared two years after this fifth-grade kiss, it
never occurred to me to tell anyone because I’d burned an important bridge
What happened is this: two
boys, Jack and Britt, ages 15 and 14, came to my house early one morning when I
was alone and still in my shortie pajamas. I’d opened the door because my
Buddy Peggy had only telephoned to say she was coming over. (Jack was her
boyfriend, and Peggy liked to draw pictures of organs, presumably his. Drawing
them with her was another instance of interested indifference on my part.) Jack and
Britt had visited before, so although I was uncomfortable about it, I let them
in and started off to my room to get dressed. But they followed me down the
Jack caught me from
behind, wrestled me to the floor, place his hand between my legs and I froze at
that moment. Britt, standing over us, said, “Hey, she likes it!” I think my
Clear and extreme mortification was what stopped it from going any farther.
But it went far enough to very efficiently short circuit the link between
my genitals and my brain for a long time. When I lost my virginity, I ‘d to ask,
“Is it in yet?” and I do not believe it was just the big amount of alcohol I Had
consumed that had dulled my senses.
A couple of years after another
fifteen-year-old lad attempted much the same matter with me, but this time on the
sidewalk of a deserted street at night. Having already been desensitized,
literally, it was much less traumatic. Better still, I had the enjoyment of
Capturing him myself, with just a little help, and presenting him to the police.
So, how in the world was to become a fkk? Well, if nudity were chiefly sexual, or somehow
asexual or anti-sexual, or less than invigorating and joyful, I likely never
would have. And if I hadn’t desired revolutionary change in my life I probably would
have gone on as I was, but more slowly. As it was, I managed and made progress.
By the time I was thirty,
I had eventually beat shame and frigidity to the point of being able to fully
Love sex, as long as my partner shown he could be trusted
unconditionally. This meant that sex had to be taken somewhat seriously. My first
Union had failed, partially for , and in between was black. The
girl who ran witch gangs and experiments wrote dry as dust computer programs,
wore suits, spoke little, and dreamed too often of spiders and 15-year-old boys
and their grins.
Well, I managed to find
someone I could trust and love, and did so for a few quite joyful years,
until he died unexpectedly of a heart attack. The grief overwhelmed me for quite a
while. And then a good buddy — a jolly, bearded man who arranged the
After hours shifts of co-workers who babysat until I was prepared to leave for my
empty house — encouraged me to visit a spot in the Santa Cruz mountains called
“Getting In Touch.” This was aa massage school and fkk getaway, now defunct.
And this was where I began to mend, partly because I ‘d to, and partially because
the environment made a beginning practically inescapable.
My first visit was for a
weekend massage workshop. I arrived early and there was no one available to show
me around or get me oriented. I was perfunctorily seen to
and encouraged to relax a while at the pool or hot tub. I think that not making a
big deal about it, assuming that I could handle getting nude in public for the
first time with no guidance, really made it simpler than otherwise. I stripped
down, alone in the locker room, stepped out the door and Wham! Two blink of an eye
Wonders: no part of me was divided from another and the wind in my pubic hair
tickled deliciously! I wished right then that I hadn’t made a point of having my
legs waxed, another fresh experience, the day before.
This felt so good, with no
intimation of shame whatsoever, it was simple to dare the next move. So I traveled

around the building and took the long, long walk across the lawn to reach the
pool. When I got there, I discovered one young man nearby in the hot tub, not
looking my way. Thus far so good. But then there was the issue of making the
transition from a standing posture to a reclining posture on the lounge. And
not understanding what was okay. I mean, there are quite inscrutable rules
about not displaying some of our clothes — our underwear — when we are dressed,
so maybe there were equally inscrutable rules about not exhibiting some of our
bodies while nude.