Body Image Challenges and Seeing Myself Through My Mother’s Eyes

Guest Website By: Rachael Delmar
Body Image Struggles and Mother
Body Image Challenges and Mom – Getting folks to open up and discuss their experiences, struggles, hopes and aspirations, is simply among the things that we do at Nudist Portal. But in my own opinion, these personal narratives are extremely important. When we share our most intimate concerns and encounters we not only begin to treat ourselves but we help others also. In this instance, I reached out to Rachael in the hopes that she would be willing to speak and share with us her personal struggles with body image. As we were reading her post, Felicity asked me why she was willing to reveal some of her most intimate thoughts and encounters. So we decided to ask her, and here is what she said:
Body Image Struggles and Mother
“I do it because I want to feel brave, like a survivor. I would like others to understand that no matter what, they’re never alone and they’ve nothing to be embarrassed of. It took me years to help you to do that. I know how challenging it can be because I had to get to this stage alone.”
FKK is not about the “me”, it is about the “us” and “we.” Collectively we can help each other move past those issues that hold us back. The only way we can make an impact is if all of US work collectively to educate folks how to be more accepting and compassionate. Together we expect to educate individuals how to be more tolerant and essentially, how to be more human.
Again, sharing personal body image battles is challenging so let us all show her some support and some love!
mirror unfriendly you talk conversationally.
mirror mirror they encircle
showing distortions
Un realistic
burning in head
the visions cloudy
If someone were seeing.
My Mum When She Was 19
That someone never fails to be me, viewing myself through my mom’s eyes. I recall the first time I faced my soul out loud. If anything, my mother did create a warrior.
As I grew, I watched her scream about being fat, starve herself, and berate me for eating too much. She became everything I never needed to be.
She tortured herself until she reached 98 pounds. I could still hear her vomiting a scarcely touched meal. She’s a ghost in my head whispering into my ear every single day. “Do not heal me. Illness is my me. My panic was you had set me free.” – Frederick Seidel
I was too young to understand the meaning behind her compulsions. She looked at me and saw her child as fat.
It was the start of a life that I never desired.
My Mother Today
I ‘ve always vowed never to be like her. I do eventually understand that some things cannot release their grip on your own insides.
By the age of 12, I weighed 120 pounds. I didn’t understand the significance of calories. Exercise was a thing we did in school. As a ‘chubby’ kid, this was a moment I dreaded every single day. I was surrounded by girls I envied in ways that knew no bounds. I never longed for their expensive clothing or the ability to capture the boys. I just yearned for their bodies.
Yet, I could never erase her voice in my own head.
By graduation, I was on a mission to become my own girl. I desired, desired, to emancipate myself from her grasp on my spirit. I was so concerned about this type of pointless ideal, that I didn’t locate myself on the road to graduating school. After all, was the one target she didn’t instill in me.
So I ran from her and from myself. I trained myself to exude confidence that most times I did not feel.
I thought when I could metaphorically run, I could kill the sidewalk together with my mother’s dilemmas.
I still recall ran 3 miles without stopping; the time I raced to 9 when my grandpa died.
Endorphins became my drug of choice. My weapon. The gymnasium was my safe haven.
I began modeling both clothed and nude. A visual to really try to see what I looked like, through other’s eyes, not my own or hers. I started taking lessons on nutrition and psychology. I still possess the textbooks. I refer to them as if they are my bibles after I feel I ‘m on a downward spiral.
Here is where I found my power and control.
I became obsessed.
Not listening to anyone, before year, I’ve gotten down to 107 at 5’6″. I do not know the significance of too skinny. I only know the things that haunt me.
My battle is a daily hex each and every day. Instead of starving myself, I strive and try to be healthy. My only lesson is to try to embrace her and what she made of me. Like the warrior she made of me, I’m beginning to own my body in the correct way.
I understand I will never be free. Yet it truly is like a perpetual fire under my butt. It ignites me to fight and not stop. Most of all to never give up.
I now possess my muscles at the proud weight of 120. Back to where I started at age 12. The sarcasm isn’t lost on me. 😉
Rachael Delmar – I Am Empowered!
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